Just one of those days ...

I woke up this morning feeling blue. It's a warm and beautiful day outside, but I feel so cold inside. I know that we all have days like today when we question our every motivation, our every decision and the meaning and purpose of our lives, but why does it have to feel so crapy?

So in the way that only connected people know how to, a little friend reached out to me as if sensing the internal turmoil I was going through. Her advise? Rip off the band aid, and smile through it all. I'm not sure I'm ready to rip that very last band aid off, but I can fight to smile. So this is my song for the day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow, I'll find that life is still worthwhile if I just smile.

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Smile - Nat King Cole

Then again, a few weeks ago I decided to put down the bottle for a time period ranging anywhere from a few weeks to indefinitely. Maybe this is all just my mind's reaction to my making that major decision abruptly and without seriously consulting it. SMH.

Same Script, Different Cast ... Do we ever really learn?

It appears that we have gone full circle and are back to the season of breakups. After hearing a few tales of heartbreak and of friends beating themselves up over the shoulda-woulda-couldas, I decided to delve into my own archives to do a little research on how much easier breakups get with frequency. What I found was shocking, therefore necessitating this extremely personal blog entry. I can honestly say that I am amazed by our ability as human beings to forget lessons that we learned through blood and tears and to eventually repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Mine was a classic example of the "same script, different cast" situation. I mean, a few months ago, I would have written the very same self addressed pitiful letter had I allowed myself the time to wallow. On finding and reading this, I vividly remembered how much I had sworn that the next time would be different, that I would give it my all. Interestingly though, I remember none of the pain that came with this loss. So it leads me to wonder, do we ever really learn? Is there hope for redemption? When it comes to relationships, can a zebra change its stripes?

monday, july 18, 2005

I have no right as far as you are concerned anymore … I see it happening all around me, people move on with their lives, people learn to forgive all the pain, all the betrayal, all the hurt and they even learn to forget with time. I just don’t know if I can, I don’t want anyone else loving me, I don’t want anybody else caring about me like you once did … How am I expected to just move on?

I want you happy, you deserve happiness, you deserve good things because I still believe that you are a good person. Even years of bitterness and anger cannot change that. It’s like I told you on several occasions, when you made me happy, it was the happiest that I have ever been in my life, and when you made me sad, it was the saddest. I feel like I shared so much with you, in some way I feel like my life as I now know it begun when I met you, I don’t want to have to see the rest of it through without you in it. The reality though is that we can’t be friends, at least not yet. I am still way too connected, care way too much about you to manage that without going insane … I just want you to know most importantly that I am sorry for all the pain and all the hurt that I have caused you, all the hurtful things I said, all the times I broke your heart, whether intentionally or otherwise. I do hope that you find happiness because I want the best for you, even if it’s not with me. I really am sorry, for all those times that you tried to explain where it was that I went wrong and I was too stubborn to hear it, too pig-headed to apologize. I’m sorry. I am learning so much now that it’s too late … I’m sorry for not being patient enough, for not loving you enough in the past couple of months before the end, for not fighting for your understanding enough and therefore letting you think the worst of me even when I knew that you were under a misconception, for thinking that it didn’t matter anymore what you thought of me. It did matter, it always did. I’m sorry that I realize that now when it is too late for us. I don’t want any more hurt between us, any more anger, any more harsh words, I want you happy and I mean it when I write that. So I’m going to be staying away, hoping that you find it. And if you don’t, if anybody else hurts you or makes you sad, I will always be here for you. There is so much I want to say, so much I need to tell you, so much I want to write …